The End of Pain
by Ankh-Ascendant
Summary: Sesshoumaru finds his father's dead body, and he knows that part of him has died as well. Inu no Taisho/Sesshoumaru


_TITLE: The End of Pain  
>CHAPTER: 1 - Oneshot<br>AUTHOR: Lythande ( setosgirl0 / neferseti0 / Ankh Ascendant )  
>DATE: 4-8-11<br>FANDOM: Inuyasha  
>DISCLAIMER: I don't own Inuyasha, or make any money from it.<br>PAIRINGS: Inu no Taisho/Sesshoumaru, InT/Izayoi  
>TYPE: angst<br>RATING: PG  
>WARNINGS: character death, incest<br>OCs: none  
>BETA: none<br>WORDS: 1220  
>SUMMARY: Sesshoumaru finds his father's dead body, and knows that part of him has died as well.<br>NOTES: Writing prompt: "Cold As Ice". I have to say I don't really consider emotional young Sesshou IC, but you can't really prove it's not. And while I won't actually call this a prelude to In A Blue Moon (especially MPREG version) it certainly looks a lot like the same Sesshoumaru. Written because of and paritally to the specifications of FireMiko-Kagomechan._

_The End of Pain_

"Father..."

The ashes of the human castle are still warm as they hit my knees and stain my hakama. The charred human skull nearby watches without judgment as I pull my father close.

I already knew that he was dead, but I didn't want to... I wanted hope. Now there is none. His head rolls loosely on his neck, his arms drag limply. What once was perfection is new just an empty shell.

I hold the shell close - it is empty but it is all I have left of him. It is more than I have had for a long time.

Why did you leave?

His skin is still warm from the fire that barely burned him. It is almost as though he is alive, almost as though he could answer me. I should have asked these questions while he was alive. I should not have waited so long... I always though I would have time, once he got tired of her...

There was supposed to be time. Why? Why did you choose to love a pathetic human woman... more than you loved me? Why would you die for her? Now you've left me again, forever, and left me no hope of ever having you back this time.

My eyes burn, and I tell myself it is the smoke that hangs in the air. That is all it is.

If you had stayed with me you would be alive now...

We were so happy until you found her. Why was she better for you than I?

Did she love you more?

She couldn't have. She couldn't even have appreciated what you were giving her. She was only human, with only a moment to live, yet you gave her the love that should have been for me... I could have returned it as you deserved. I could have been good for you.

I should have said this when you left me... I should have. I was so hurt and I hid it in anger, but if I hadn't, would you be here still? Would it have saved you from this fate? Even if it hadn't I would take back all of my anger now. The last words I said to you were in hurt and anger. You were hurt and I could have helped you and I only drove you away...

I should have answered you truthfully. Gods, I wish now I had. I do have someone to protect - or I did. I failed him, and now he lies dead in my arms.

Father, I am so sorry I failed you...

I wish you had never met this human. I would kill her if it would do any good - I would have killed her before, and maybe I should have. She killed you as much as the wounds and the fire and this human corpse.

I lift his body and carry it out of the wreckage, but I cannot take my eyes off of him even as I walk. He will never rise again. He will never have the opportunity to hear me ask for his forgiveness, or know that I did truly love him.

I did love him. I don't think he thought me capable of loving anyone but myself, but I did. I loved, for the first, last, and only time, for I will never love again.

I lay his body down in the privacy of the trees, far away from prying human eyes... far away from where his human bitch will ever see him. In life, he chose her, but now at least he will be mine. Even if his shell is all I will ever see of him again in this world.

That he chose her over me has not been forgotten... will never be forgotten. I cannot forget, and I cannot truly forgive, but now it almost doesn't matter... almost. The last year has been the worst of my life. To watch him grow more in love with her and know that every day he was rejecting me, to know that he knew how it hurt me and did not care... I would not go through that again save for one thing: if he were alive again. If he lived I would change what I could. I would keep him from her if I could, or make him see... Something. If I had it to go through again, I would do something to make it end differently.

The keep him alive...

My claws trace the jagged stripes on his cheeks of their own volition. His skin is cooling now... I cannot even pretend he lives still.

It hurts... It still hurts. I had thought I felt all the pain there was when he left me, but there was more... there was always more pain for him to cause me. Maybe no longer though; there is nothing worse he can do to me now. I will never feel worse than I do right now, and I know in the place where my heart was that I will never feel better. My heart was given to him, tied to him, long ago. He took it with him when he went to her, and he killed it when he died for her.

If I only knew why...

I will never know why. Maybe there is not a reason for what he did to me.

Maybe it's simply as it appears... Maybe he felt no love for me.

Cool earth grinds into my clothes; I didn't mean to sit with him, but I cannot help it. My fingers trace his stripes again and then I find myself gripping his clothes, then his hand, searching for something. There must be some life within him... He cannot be gone. He cannot just leave me like this, with that thought, that possibility. I have tried not to contemplate the idea but there is nowhere to run from it now. There is no way I will ever know it is not true...

"Father, do not leave me like this..."

My eyes burn again even though there is no smoke here, but it is not tears; I want to believe that even as they fall on his cold face. I do not want to cry for him...

I do not want him to be dead, either. I do not want this to have ever happened. I do not want him to have met Izayoi. I do not want him to have loved her. I do not want him to have left me. I do not want him to have felt nothing for me...

I need him, and if I cannot have him I need him to have loved me, and I do not even have that. He is gone and I have nothing - less than nothing, because once I had a heart.

These tears are that heart's death throes, the last gasp of emotion. It is better that they end, and in leaving take this pain with them... I force myself to my feet and away from his body even before they have stopped. It would be better to feel nothing than to be so utterly destroyed...

I want to stay and never leave him, though he is dead and lost to me. I flee instead, and leave my heart behind.

_~end~_


End file.
